For the last 3 weeks I've been covering a high school teacher who is on maternity leave. She has a schedule of all 9th grade English classes and when I started, they were in the middle of Romeo & Juliet. Even though I was totally prepared for this class, I'll admit now that I wasn't really looking forward to it. I've been beat up pretty bad in the last two years as a substitute and, while I'm thrilled whenever I can secure consistent income, I was feeling pretty defeated as a teacher.
My two month position in fall really did a number on me. I was exhausted all the time and felt highly ineffective in the classroom. I had issues creating and sustaining order, I felt disrespected and frustrated, and I couldn't help but question if maybe it wasn't the kids at all - maybe it was me. Maybe I just wasn't as cut out for this as I'd thought. I've lived my life to be a teacher and always prided myself on the idea that if I'm good at anything, it's school. But what if that turned out not to be true? What if the real reason I haven't been able to secure full time work is not because of the budget, but because I'm just not as good at this as I'd thought I was?So I headed into the season of no substituting work (January/February) feeling pretty down about my place in the education system and starting to feel genuine trepidation at the idea that maybe I didn't belong there at all.
I started tutoring in the evenings for bonus income. The work is unchallenging but pays well. It is with elementary school kids, but at least it's still in my field. It was not a win-win but it is not a lose-lose either. It just is.
In March I had a bit of a professional crisis. I had been helping out at my old continuation school two days a week and on one Thursday morning, a student stole my wallet directly out of my purse. Talk about feeling unappreciated and disrespected.
I also had a meeting with an administrator that felt like a punch in the stomach. She politely informed me that some people perceive me as negative and even condescending. I was crushed. I was heartbroken. I was also more grateful for the honesty than she will ever know. Here was an opportunity to concentrate on my weaknesses and actually grow professionally. Here was the real, honest feedback that I haven't been able to get from anyone, ever. For the first time I felt like I could actually do something about this feeling of inadequacey that comes with being laid off, interviewed, looked over, and ignored.
I've felt for years now that there must be something I'm missing, something I'm doing wrong that justifies why I haven't been hired. Well, here was something. Apparently, the way I speak can be interpreted in a way I don't intend. My whole family is sarcastic and biting. My speech pattern is naturally blunt. And how am I supposed to fix that? How do I change the way I speak naturally? So far, awareness is key.
My students - the ones I spend 90% of my day with - are familiar with my tone. They know that I care about them even when I don't care about their excuses. They know I expect them to take responsibility for themselves and that sometimes my responses seem harsh because I want them to learn. My friends and family know that whatever I say is said out of love and concern, not judgement. But the other people on campus don't know me that well. They see me in passing so how could they? When the voice seems abrupt, the real message can get lost.
All these factors contributed to the overwhelming sense of dread and trepidation I felt coming back into a full time teaching position. I was sick of feeling discouraged and inadequate. I didn't want to go to work every day in a place where people didn't understand me or thought negatively of me. I didn't want to spend my days dealing again with the kinds of disrespect, disorder, and stress I had been feeling at the beginning of the year. Education is the love of my life and I was sick of having my heart broken.
Boy was I wrong. From the first day I started teaching, I've felt more at home and more myself than I ever do in any other job. I was put on this earth to teach high school English. Maybe it doesn't seem like a noble profession. It's not a life's purpose on par with, say, feeding starving children in Honduras or providing clean water where there was none or giving medical care in Uganda or rebuilding Haiti, but I still feel like it matters. And I love it.
I love the conversations I get to have about how Romeo & Juliet were really just a couple of inexperienced, horny teengers. I love the banter. I love getting to know the kids. I love when they come in with gossip and say, "Ms. C! You'll never believe what happened!" and I say, "Telllll me!" I love that once I get going, I genuinely do know how to do this well. I love that substituting has truly taught me flexibility, adaptation, and efficiency.
I get to stay here through graduation this year and then who knows. The prospects for teachers right now are even worse than they were a year or two ago, so I don't know if I'll get any interviews, much less an offer from anywhere. But I'll keep looking. Even if I have to wait, I'm ahead of the game because I know where I belong.
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