Read (2016 Year in Review)

So I haven't blogged in over a year because baby. It's not that I haven't had stuff to share and damn, there are mommy bloggers who have multiples and still get this done, but really it just wasn't a priority. BUT I thought I'd try for a quick Year-in-Review on the big three from this blog: reading, teaching, traveling. I'll admit that they often overlap, but here it goes.


This year was strange for me as a reader. While I opted for the larger phone once Orion was born so that it would be easier to read articles while breast feeding (and scroll facebook and watch videos and take better pictures...), I didn't anticipate how difficult it would be for me to sit down and read an actual book. The baby, who was less than 2 months old when the year began, often required the dedication of both of my arms, making it awkward to hold a book or turn pages. It took until spring break in April for me to finish my first full length book, No Summit Out of Sight.

Two factors brought me back to consistent reading: an idea for a memoir unit for my freshmen and Audible. The first came when I returned to teaching after my maternity leave and began my unit for Elie Wiesel's Night. In the two years I've taught the memoir, I have paired it with the required freshman research paper by creating a compare/contrast between Wiesel's work on the most well-known genocide of our time and excerpts from memoirs from the genocides in Guatemala, Cambodia, and Rwanda.

When I first created the assignment/unit, I think my goal was to expose students to history beyond Europe. While everyone seems to know about the atrocities of the Holocaust, I felt like too many students leave school without realizing that intolerance, prejudice, racism, and even genocide didn't end in 1944. I also feel like our curriculum can be too Eurocentric, so I wanted to expand the purview of the unit.

But, WOW, is that unit depressing. It's depressing to teach and it's depressing to learn. I also didn't really feel like reading excerpts of a few pages really accomplished my goal anyway. I really wanted my students to read a second full-length memoir, so I started researching teenagers and war memoirs. The prospect of vetting a bunch of these was unsettling, though. I already knew it would be difficult to find time to read a dozen or more memoirs in order to find some my 14-year-old students could connect with, but the idea of spending all of my free time reading about the horrors of war was just too sad. Instead I started finding other memoirs by teens. Teens who had overcome adversity. Teens who had invented something or accomplished something. Teens who had lessons to teach my students without enduring abuse, addiction, severe tragedy, or war.

So I set out on a year (really 8 months) of reading nothing but memoirs. The first one was wonderful but difficult to finish with an infant trying to grab it out of my hands, which is when I turned to audiobooks. I've never been a big fan of audiobooks except for long road trips because they tend to read slower than I do, which is frustrating and often sleep-inducing. But Audible allowed me to speed up the reading. Audiobooks meant I could listen/read while making dinner, taking a walk, or during my 40-minute-each-way commute. I could listen while playing on the floor with my baby or while feeding him. Audiobooks meant I could get back into reading without giving up time for sleep or seeing my husband or any of the other activities vying for my very limited time.

Here is the list of books I went through this year, mostly on Audible.

Jordan Romero, No Summit Out of Sight
9 year old decides he wants to climb the tallest mountain on each continent, completes the task by the time he is 14 and becomes the youngest person to have done so. Awesome. Easy read. Great for my students. Love. This one confirms my plan for memoir-based lit circles.

William Kamkwamba, The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind
Been on my To Read list for ages and this memoir thing gives me an excuse. Teen in Malawi discovers a science book with a section on wind energy and decides to build a windmill to harness energy for his own home. Awesome. Great for my engineering-minded kids. Definitely going on the list.

I Wasn't Strong Like This When I Started Out: Stories of Becoming a Nurse
Short stories by multiple authors. Interesting but didn't really work for my purpose. Stopped before the end and returned, not because I didn't enjoy listening to it but because I couldn't devote time to a book that wouldn't ultimately be used for my project at this time.

Mark Owen, No Easy Day
Memoir of a member of Seal Team 6 who participated not only in the assassination of Osama bin Laden, but also several other significant events of the past decade. Totally out of my comfort zone but I LOVED it. Great for students but also great for me to read something so completely different.

Jeanne Watkatsuki Houston, Farewell to Manzanar
Young Japanese-American girl's experience before, during, and after WWII. I assumed this one was a no brainer for inclusion in my unit since the internment camp experience dovetails well with Night, but after listening to it I just wasn't sold. I'm glad I finally read it, since I'd had it on my list for about a decade, but it just didn't work for my memoir unit. Returned to Audible despite finishing (love Audible's return policy!).

Firoozeh Dumas, Funny in Farsi
Recommended by a friend for this unit but it was a no go. While I thought it was interesting and kind of funny to listen to, the book is mostly set in the 1970s and just too dated for my students. Stopped early and returned.

Bethany Hamilton, Soul Surfer
13-year-old surfer from Kauai suffers a shark attack that takes her arm, learns to overcome her struggles with faith and family. While I personally cringe from all the God stuff in this book and it made me really uncomfortable to include it, I know it will jive well with some of my students, particularly my Mormon kids. Plus the religion thing works really well as a contrast to the loss of faith in Night. It's a must-include despite my personal hang ups.

Chrissie Wellington, A Life Without Limits
In an effort to find something for athletes, I found this one by a triathlete who stunned the world by winning the Iron Man competition in Kona, Hawaii not once but three times. As a super-amateur 5k run-walker this year (more on that in Travel), I was stunned by how much I related to Wellington's journey and how interested I was in her story despite it being so far from my own life (a professional athlete? ha!). Great for my athletes, especially the girls.

Jeanette Walls, The Glass Castle
This one had TONS of recommendations. It was recommended by friends and teachers all over the internet, including all kinds of lesson ideas for including it in classrooms. But I just couldn't get on board. The premise of the story - two parents who choose their own interests and goals over providing for their young children and how the children manage in spite of this - just felt too much like neglect for my new-mom heart. I couldn't handle it. I was often with my infant son when I was listening and the behavior of the parents just disgusted me. Stopped and returned.

Malala Yousafzai, I am Malala
Another that's been on my list for a while, but I wasn't sure I could handle as an audiobook because I struggle with Ms. Yousafzai's accent. Luckily, she only reads the forward and the rest was much more manageable for me. This Nobel Prize winner who talks about peace and the importance of education despite being targeted for assassination by the Taliban is exactly the kind of teen-with-a-message I was looking for. Added to the list!

Jo Anne Normile, Saving Baby
I was looking for something for my FFA-types or even just a good book with a dog and I found this story of a racehorse owner turned activist. Again, I was surprised by how moved I was by the story considering I have no experience with horses and have never been one of those girls who dreamed about riding or owning one. Still, I fell in love with Baby (and the cause of mistreated racehorses) through Normile's words and I think my students will, too.

Kevin Hazzard, A Thousand Naked Strangers
This fast-paced, in-your-face, sometimes-gory account of the life of an EMT was gripping, funny, and just raunchy enough to be perfect for my teens. After the nurse book didn't work out, I still wanted something for my potential future medical workers. I considered Atul Gawande's Better, which I read a few years ago for the PSAT summer program at Elite, but it was too cerebral. I wanted something that was more hands-on. BINGO. I think the chapter titled "Death By Broccoli" will be the intro material when I show it to my students later this month. (Plus that title, man, way too perfect.)

Johnny Anonymous, NFL Confidential
I had a surfer girl, a woman triathlete, a racehorse book, and a boy who climbs moutains, but I still didn't have a book for my traditional football-baseball-soccer boys and I really wanted to fill that niche. I polled a lot of people and did a lot of searching in this category. I liked the idea of a really famous player but I also wanted the memoir to be current. I needed something that was going to be accessible to a demographic of traditional non-readers but that would also work in a literary-educational environment, since I know I'm going to assign writing topics like theme, character development, conflict type, and compare-contrast to Night. NFL Confidential was gritty, raw, vulgar, and totally delightful. I knew my students would absolutely love it but at the same time I knew I could never assign it. Ugh. The search continues.

Ben Utecht, Counting the Days While My Mind Slips Away
A football player who was recently in the NFL talking about the damage caused by his many concussions? Sounds awesome. Got preachy really fast. Stopped and returned and ran away.

Nate Jackson, Slow Getting Up
At first I wasn't wild about Jackson's style. It's full of terse syntax and simple vocabulary. It includes cussing (but so does A Thousand Naked Bodies and No Easy Day - certain professions seem to be either profanity-laced or way-too-preachy and there doesn't seem to be an in between). Jackson isn't a star or even a starter and most students won't recognize his name. BUT he's basically Joe Football. He's the every player that my kids could probably relate to. And by the end of the book, I really liked him. While NFL Confidential was funnier and possibly more interesting, Slow Getting Up fit more of my writing topic criteria. Done. Put it on the list!

Lawrence Anthony, The Elephant Whisperer
Still looking for a traditional pet-lover book. Found a guy who inherited a herd of wild elephants on a conservation in Africa. So NOT a traditional pet-lover book, but I still listened to about a third of it before I realized that it was also about twice as long as I could accommodate for this unit. I wasn't invested enough to finish for my own enjoyment. Stopped and returned.

Misty Copeland, Life in Motion
The first African American woman to become a principal ballerina for the American Ballet? Yeah, that works. Plus she's young and current and students will recognize her name and she's great for my dancers.

Mike Brown, How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming
I was still concerned that I didn't have enough for STEM kids, which is why this one made it on the list. It's the story of the astro-scientist who, in his quest for a tenth planet, actually proved that there are only eight. It was surprisingly funny and written in a way that non-astroscientists could completely understand the controversy and the result. LOVE, again.


At this point I felt like I had enough for my students. 11 books made the lit circle list that I will be introducing in just a few weeks now. I'm still working on funding all of the copies I need (130+ books is a challenge), but the parents have been amazing so I'm not (too) worried. I wanted a variety of demographics, interests, ages, and locations. I wanted to find something for every student (because I really believe everyone can love reading if they are reading about something they love). I wanted people who had overcome adversity (both internal and external) but who hadn't been involved in the severely damaging lifestyles or events that normally lead to book deals: eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse, physical or sexual assault/abuse, gang/prison time, abandonment, etc. I wanted inspiration.

This project stretched my reading to completely new areas of interest that I never would have ventured into before. I had experienced this a little when I taught the PSAT book camps from 2010-2013 since they often included books, especially nonfiction, that I may never have found on my own, but this was different. Reading outside my comfort zone was shocking mostly because I didn't really feel uncomfortable at all and actually felt incredible kinship with the various authors I read. I never thought I'd enjoy a book about football or triathlons or racehorses, but I fell in love with all of them.

Due to the success of reading nothing but memoir from March - October, I decided to complete the year with all non-fiction titles. These included Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly, the story of the black female mathematicians who helped NASA win the Space Race and that is now a movie coming out next week; Elizabeth Royte's Bottlemania, the story of big business and natural water and fight over America's drinking water; Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling, a memoir about her life leading up to and including The Office; and Originals by Adam Grant, a book in the vein of Outliers or others by Malcolm Gladwell that probes how people who rebel against conformity succeed in changing the world around them. I even started (but have yet to finish) The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins, a book that Joe has been begging me to read for years.

I'm excited about the reading I did this year because it has been a while since I've read this consistently for pleasure but also because I was able to find pleasurable reading in so many different areas. I'm now looking forward to books that range from a video gamer's memoir to Reading Lolita in Tehran. Between Audible and the time I spend commuting, I have a lot of books to get through.

#CraftWhenIHaveTo Classroom Update

This summer I had big plans for all the things I wanted to accomplish both personally and in preparation for the coming year. For the first time since starting my teaching career, I already knew where I would be teaching, had a contract, had a classroom that was mostly set up, and had a skeleton of curriculum from the previous year that I could actually completely repeat if I wanted to. It was also the first summer break since Joe and I started dating that I didn't take on the usual SAT and PSAT boot camps, meaning I'd have time to do other things like read books for pleasure, plan for Baby, and get things done for the coming school year.

Mostly, I did crafts for my classroom.

This is A Thing because I am not the craftsiest of people. When an 8th grade teacher once offered me craft supplies during a long-term subbing stint, my response was, "Why the f*** would I need craft supplies to teach English?" I'm more of a craft-when-I-have-to kind of girl.

Because of the whole cycle of pink slips, subbing, and less-than-ideal placements that was the beginning of my career, this is only the second classroom I've had to myself. I had one year 1, subbed for years 2 and 3, was a rover my fourth year, got a shared desk station (which we couldn't even personalize with a framed picture) for years 5 and 6, and finally moved into "the cave" last year. Despite my colleagues sympathy at my being assigned an interior room with no windows, I LOVE my classroom.

Here's what my classroom looked like when I got to it (basically):

I was able to liven it up with some bulletin boards, but I never had the time to really do all the things I wanted to with it last year because I was too busy, ya know, teaching.

My desk is in a nook to the right. This is one of the things I LOVE about this room - the teacher area doesn't encroach upon the student area. I also added a second station in the nook for my collab teacher and TAs this year.

This summer I had a few new goals: create a piece of string art, finally put together a display of novels from around the world (almost as good as traveling and way less expensive), put together a place for student-use supplies, and update my other displays so that they were neater, better labeled, and just overall more interesting.

Here's what I ended up with:

The view from my desk

Left Wall with student supply center. My string art piece is in the middle. The other posters I had last year. The supply center includes the drawer unit with paper supplies (notebook paper, index cards, post its), the hole punches (Polly and Jeanine), the staplers (Aaron Burr and Guy Fawkes), the pencil sharpener (Joel), and flower pots with pens for students to borrow. The feather pens are one of my favorite additions to the room. White feathers for red scoring markers, blue feathers for regular pens, and green feathers for highlighters. Students can borrow but not take my stuff and they're already using them! (Feathers from Amazon for about $4/10 attached with washi tape.)

Back Wall: Read your way around the world board. I found the cork board map at Michael's, painted the water to make it more interesting, got suggestions for books set in different countries from lots of friends, and created half sheets for each that are connected to the map with multi-colored yarn. I'm kind of in love with it, which is good since the back wall is mostly what I stare at all day and it was BLANK last year.

Left side of the board
The Library isn't new, but the printed labels are.
Some are too big, so I may re-do them... next summer.

Front of the room, right of the board. The posters I created on postermywall.com last year.
The quotation is new. I cut the extra butcher paper I had into sheets and ran them through a regular printer.

All posters I created on postermywall.com covering (by accident) the major areas of the ELA standards: read, write, listen, speak. The labels and the middle poster are new this year. I finally got the courage to test out the die-cut machine we have in the staff room and I LOVE it!

The crafts included:

I've wanted to do a string art piece for years, but couldn't find the right home for it.
I mostly used this DIY tutorial but I may still do a post of my own since no one seems to
have any out there for how to do the actual stringing. 

I had extra paint and my feather pens needed a cute home.
These were 78 cents each at Home Depot and the paint cost less than a dollar.

Loving my feather pens! No excuses for not having supplies and no stealing! Win win!

ugly oak clock + extra paint = quickie art project
If you can't tell, I like art projects that are hard to screw up.

I'm really pleased with how the room has come out. I may not have managed to complete my wedding album, year abroad album, maternity-leave sub plans, or complete my goal of reading 10 for-pleasure books this summer, but damn, my classroom makes me happy.

Our Travel Adventure: a 2014 Wrap Up

I had intended to do this post sooner to when we returned to the States, but my perspective may actually be better now. This was the post as it would've been if I'd published it when we got home at the end of July:

"Let's talk about culture shock. Specifically, let's talk about reverse culture shock.

Less than 24 hours after return:
Everything is HUGE. And overwhelming. Joe is thrilled to be home but I'm not so sure. After 3.5 weeks traveling in Croatia, Slovenia, and Italy, I really just wanted the short flight back to London and our tiny, tiny flat. 14+ hours of flying means everything feels weird when you land. LAX is my old stomping grounds - my uni and my old apartment are visible from the runways, but it still just felt weird.

Also, parking lots. I don't know why but these stick out for me. I haven't seen a real parking lot in almost a year. In London I often wondered where people who had cars ever put their cars when they were out. No parking lots, no parking structures, not even a lot of street parking. California is the opposite. All I see are massive parking lots in front of massive stores. Stores I have always loved (Target, Costco, Ikea) but still. Everything seems so HUGE right now. I was originally planning a visit to the mall but I've backed out because it sounds WAY too overwhelming."

So now that we've been home for 5 months, here is a look back at our adventure.

Time Away: 336 days

Countries Visited: 20

Visitors from Home: 5

Checkmarks on our London & Beyond List: 63/85

In case you need a refresher, here is our original list of goals:

Cities

Amsterdam, Netherlands

Barcelona, Spain

Bath, England

Berlin, Germany

Bled, Slovenia

Brussels, Belgium

Budapest, Hungary

Cambridge, England

Copenhagen, Denmark

Dublin, Ireland

Edinburgh, Scotland

Florence, Italy

Geneva, Switzerland

Helsinki, Finland

Madrid, Spain

Milan, Italy

Munich, Germany

Normandy, France

Oslo, Norway

Paris, France (x2)

Prague, Czech Republic

Rome, Italy

Salzburg, Austria

Split, Croatia

St. Petersburg, Russia

Stockholm, Sweden

Stonehenge, England

Stratford-Upon-Avon, England

Venice, Italy

Vienna, Austria

Wales (not sure where yet)

Zagrab, Croatia

Tours & Activities

Abbey Road

American Thanksgiving (host or attend)

Anne Frank’s house (Amsterdam)

Beatles landmark

Bike tour of a major city (Helsinki, Berlin, Paris, Barcelona, Munich)

British Library (for research, believe it or not)

Buckingham Palace (kind of)

Charles Darwin landmark

Church on the Spilled Blood (St. Petersburg)

Cider mill tour

Collect a set of British edition Harry Potters (pictures to come)

Collect an international set of multi-lingual Harry Potters (pictures to come)

Cooking class (Sarah - London, Budapest, Tuscany, Florence; together - London)

Debussy landmark (France)

Drive “British”

Dutch flowers/tulips

Flying Fantastic class

Formal High Tea

Galileo landmark (Pisa)

Gaudi’s Sagrada Familia (Barcelona)

Go ice-skating

Guinness Brewery tour

Harry Potter studio set tour

Hermitage Museum (St. Petersburg)

Hike 10+ miles somewhere

Holi festival

IceBar

Issaac Newton landmark

Jane Austen landmark

Led Zeppelin landmark

live dramatic performance (Sarah in October, Joe & Sarah with Moms; together)

live orchestra performance (Berlin, Prague, London, Vienna)

live other sporting event (tennis, cricket, rugby)

live singer/band (Sarah - Vienna Teng; Joe - Steven Wilson of Porcupine Tree, YES!)

live soccer game

London Museum of Natural History

Norwegian fjords

Pink Floyd landmark

Ravel landmark (France)

Richard Dawkins event

Ride the London Eye

See a live hockey game  (Winter Classic in LA in January)
St. Paul’s Cathedral

Swim in the Mediterranean

Take a spontaneous vacation (Paris - booked 5 days ahead)
Tate/Tate Modern

The British Museum

Travel by boat (Gothenburg; Baltic Cruise; Norwegian fjords)

Travel by train (Flam, Norway; Prague; lots of times between cities)

Use all of the fruits/vegetables that come in a VegBox

Van Gogh museum (Amsterdam)

Westminster Abbey (front only)

Winery tour

I'm quite proud of this list, actually. We didn't tick off every item, but what this list doesn't reflect is our shifting priorities the longer we were away. Certain items were completed multiple times or in ways that make me really proud. Some things were skipped because by the end we realized we didn't really care to make them a priority. Other items became priorities later on (cocktails in London, picnicking in Waterlow park, etc) but were never added to the official list.

We didn't just travel by train to say we did it, we travelled by train to get ourselves through Spain, and from Hungary to Austria to Germany, and all around Italy. We took miniature adventures every time we changed cities because we always did it without the convenience and comfort of a car. As native Southern Californians, that was a big deal. I'm proud of the way we adjusted to using public transportation.

I'm also proud that we took advantage of London - we went to museums, we tried things, we bought tickets to shows and performances, we saw advertisements on the Tube and then actually sought out those events and participated. We aren't big city people. Participating in the life of the city was a big deal.

Certain places were skipped because that was the pragmatic decision. Greece and Poland were cut before we even committed the list to paper. Switzerland was cut very early on. But what this list doesn't show is all of the places and items we added along the way. Barcelona was on the list, but in the process we also went to Seville and Cordoba and Granada. We cut Salzburg because of rain, but we added Scotland almost at the last minute and it was one of our most relaxing getaways. Brussels was almost cut but then we got to do it with Ryan when he visited, which was even better. I didn't go to Shakespeare's birthplace (Stratford), but I did go to his birthday party.

Since we've been back, one of the questions we get most often is What was your favorite part? Really, it depends on my mood. On different days, I miss different facets of this adventure. Memories of the many places we went and things we did are sparked constantly and I miss London every single day. I think that I will for the rest of my life.

It's hard to explain to people what a year away feels like. We slid back into our normal life again, and it was both harder and easier than I'd expected. We came back broke, so we lived separately with our mothers for almost 4 months before we were financially viable enough to get our own place again. On the other hand, I was back to work teaching high school full time only 3.5 weeks after we landed in California from Rome. Since I was still writing my dissertation for my MA program, it felt like I was living two different lives at once - my London life as a student was still going while my California life as a teacher was in full swing already. I spent August and September mentally and emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. Being back in California felt both normal and completely uncomfortable at the same time. 

After spending nearly all of my time exclusively with my husband for more than 11 months, we were living apart and had to plan to see each other almost like when we started dating. The logistics of moving out of the country and then back in aren't what people talk about. In London, there were things about my life here that I missed every single day. Now that we're back, there are parts of the life we made there that I will miss every single day. (It doesn't help that I see bits of London in so many of the movies and TV shows I watch. Or maybe it does help. I'm not really sure.) Our life here picked up where we'd left off in a way that was almost seamless, but I feel different in my life now than I would have if we hadn't gone. Maybe that was the point.

I don't know what my favorite part of our year away was. I can't tell you which city was my favorite. Sometimes they all were. Sometimes I wish I could be eating in Budapest or sitting on the deck in Split or walking through the rain in Dublin and other times I'm happy to get good Mexican food and drive my car. Sometimes none of the places we visited compares to the one place we lived (and then I miss London so much I could cry). Sometimes the part I miss most is our friends (which was true in London, too). Sometimes I miss the impromptu visits to Brewdog on the way home from school. Sometimes it's British food and Camden High Street and sometimes it's the ride on the 214 and the walk from our bus stop to our little, little flat. In our three-story townhouse now, sometimes the 1700+ square feet feel like way too much and I miss our little one-bedroom home where the full-sized bed touched the walls on three sides. Sometimes I miss exploring a new city with Joe and having nothing on our schedule but whatever we wanted to see or do there that day. Sometimes I'm just happy to be home, doing a job I love (and missed terribly for 3 years), and living close enough to see friends we've had since high school. Sometimes the London Instagram feed features a picture that includes the 24 bus or Gower Street and I miss the life I had there so badly. Then I discover that I can get mocha lattes at Coffee Bean and I don't feel so far from London anymore. There's always been a travel Sarah that was more independent and spontaneous and brave than regular Sarah, and London brought me closer to merging the two. 

The adventure was big but it was also small. The parts I think about are bus rides and tea shops and restaurants we found in cities all over Europe. I think about the time I spent alone and feeling comfortable by myself for maybe the first time ever. I wouldn't go to the movies by myself here, but I did there and it made me feel independent. I think about all of the beauty and history and the way it mixed in with feeling lonely and cold and happy and brave and accomplished. I think about the fact that I wanted to go on a big adventure and that somehow, my husband and I actually did it.

The truth is, I don't know how to answer the small talk questions about our adventure. The whole experience is way too big for small talk answers. 

Read. Teach. Travel.

I haven't posted in a while, so I figure I'm due for an update. Since this blog in entitled with my three predominant passions, this post will offer a bit of info on each.

Read.
The truth is I haven't really read anything since I finished my re-read of the last three Harry Potter books in October. I honestly haven't had the time or inclination to pick up something new lately. I'm chipping away at my writing sample for grad school and it's been a much more arduous process than I'd expected. Instead, I find myself slipping into the comfort of series I've read before and waiting for their movie adaptations. So instead of an update on what I've read, I'll offer this. Click it. It's a link to the newest installment of Movies in 15 minutes and gives a snarky take on Breaking Dawn: Part 1. If you haven't read them yet, it may be worth your time to first check out the recaps of Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse.

Teach.
In the middle of October I interviewed for two different charter school teaching jobs. One of them informed me in less than two hours that I would not advance in the hiring process - a record for rejection, I think. The other waited two agonizing weeks and then bowled me over in shock when they called to offer me the job. Needless to say, I'm thrilled.

The job itself is a balance of benefits and disadvantages. It's far from home, but the hours are great. It's not classroom teaching, but the pay is exceptional. It's different from other jobs I've had, but this year that may be exactly what I need. I think if a person has never worked in a temporary job situation like substituting, then she can't truly appreciate the luxury of going to the same place every day, knowing the names of coworkers, knowing where the bathrooms and supply closet and microwave are. This job means I don't have to return to a school that rejected me. It means that I feel appreciated and good at what I do again. That, right now, is worth far more than the inconvenience of a long commute.

Travel.
I did take a short trip out to Arizona to see my best friend in November, so I guess that counts as travel. There are a few possibilities on the horizon for the first half of 2012, too, but I'm waiting on some details before I announce any travel. Right now my focus is on earning and saving money so that travel is even an option in the year to come... well, travel and expatriation.

Plan B

Okay, so the teaching position thing hasn't worked out for this year. Now what?

One thing I know about myself fairly well at this point is that I do not stagnate well. I tend to freak out in the middle of the night and make really big decisions without totally thinking them through. I applied for my study abroad in Spain this way. I applied for my Habitat for Humanity trip to Argentina that way. I applied to teach in England this way. (Notice a pattern?)

And so, the evolution of my fall has gone something like this:

- mid August: finish Elite

- one week of panic

- two weeks of work in a job I didn't get

- One or two days of panic and sad faces

- Sign up for the GRE and decide to apply to graduate school. In Boston. Or Chicago. Or London!

And so goes the story of my life. My primary focus is, and has always been, on setting up a relatively safe, small life. I want to find a teaching job at a suburban high school and stay there long enough to see my own students return as teachers. If and when I tire of the adolescent environment, I want to get a PhD and teach English at the university level. I want to have children and give them the opportunity to have childhoods similar to my own: K-12 in the same schools, with the same friends and a stable home life.

The problem is that my simple, safe, conservative life plan keeps getting thrown off course. And when it does I feel like I need to do something decidedly different, exciting, adventurous, and even risky. Like move across the country. Or to a different country.

I've been researching options for about a month now and the schools I've settled on range from the very safe (UCI summer program - wouldn't have to move or give up working) to the very adventurous (London for a whole year). So now, I work on applications and writing sample and dream of the options (3 summer sessions in NY at Columbia University! Taking weekend trips with Joe from London! Moving to OC and actually just having the boring life I wanted in the first place!)

There's a lot to consider, of course. Money and time and delays to other plans (marriage, kids). But there's also the consideration that if I don't do something adventurous now, while these options are here in front of me, I'll probably never do it. There's so much of the world I want to see and so many things I'd like to experience before I have kids. And if I have an opportunity to do it now, with Joe and while I'm still pursuing one of my other goals anyway, shouldn't I go for it? Even with costs and time considered, I doubt we'll look back in 25 years and think, "Wow, I wish we had had a baby a year earlier instead of going to (insert name of interesting city here) for a year..."

The thing is, grad school is still Plan B. While these daydreams completely exhilarate me and I feel adventurous just imagining them, if I were offered a full-time teaching position I would take it in a heart beat. Teaching is Plan A. My adventurousness is, as always, contingent on feeling like the safe option just isn't available to me at the moment.

Let's do this again...

One more time.

Dear Universe,

It's not that I'm either devastated or shocked that I was not hired for the position I fulfilled these last few weeks. I was brought on as a substitute and was not entirely qualified for all parts of the position. I knew and accepted those conditions. It's not that I won't get over the sudden ache I feel because I had already started to fall for this batch of students, particularly the seniors, and already feel a tug when I think that I won't have a chance to say goodbye to them or see them develop this year. The position itself wasn't perfect or ideal.

I understand all of that.

I understand, too, that there is something better out there for me. Every inspirational quotation, encouragement card, and facebook response I've read has reminded me that you, Universe, must have a plan for me that I am unaware of. But I'm supposed to trust it. And Universe, I am really trying here.

I've applied and applied. I've waited and waited and waited. I've spent hours in the middle of countless nights panicking over the sizable dent my new car made in my savings account. I've woken up in a state of utter panic, wondering if I was wrong to turn down interviews for jobs that were not right for me. Jobs in cities I don't want to live in, teaching grade levels or in environments I am uncomfortable with. Maybe I was being arrogant or pretentious. Maybe this is what I get for thinking I was secure enough to pass up any opportunity for work. I don't know.

But you and me, Universe, we're supposed to be on the same side. I've had the same vision for my life since I was a very small child and I've worked toward making it a reality since I was about 11. I made choices based on these long term goals. Given, I no longer imagine wearing a pink tulle wedding gown, but much of the other stuff has kept. I've put in the time and work and sweat and tears and I'm waiting now, waiting for you to help me out. What's it going to take?

First Day Eve

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new school year at a new school and I am feeling... anxious. I do not have a contract for this position and, like last year, was asked to begin the year as a substitute while the administration figures out interviews and HR stuff. Of course, I'm happy to help. (It's funny to me how appreciative some people act because I was "willing to help out." What choice do I really have? I don't have a job and I've applied for this one. Even if they're not going to hire me and they're just using me for cheap labor, I have a car payment and rent and a credit card bill - how could I realistically say "no" to "helping out"???)

There are two positions available at this particular school and I could be assigned to either of them or neither of them by Friday afternoon. As I mentioned in my previous post, teachers are planners by nature so it's unsettling for me to start a year this way. I've written a syllabus and made seating charts. I've ordered and collected books from the library and put them away in the classroom. I've planned lessons for the first days. But I don't know if I'm staying, so I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to do beyond that. I don't want to get too attached in case I don't get the position because I'm already vulnerable right now. I don't know if I can handle that kind of effort leading to another disappointment. I don't want to clean the room completely because if I get the other of the two positions, I'll be moving rooms, changing preps, and meeting entirely different kids in a week. Everything is just so up in the air.

Overall I'm just not as excited about the first day of school as I wish I were. I love teaching. I love the beginning of a new year when everyone is fresh and excited and has high hopes and expectations for the coming 9 months. Right now that feeling of joy is eluding me.

Maybe it's because for the third time in four years, my previous school overlooked my service and effort and enthusiasm and chose to hire someone with less experience who, for whatever reason, they liked better.

Maybe it's because I spent the last four months applying for positions that would allow Plans and I to live in the same city for the first time in the two years we've been together. We are currently living 2 hours apart and only seeing each other on weekends. I had hoped that if I could secure a contract in the in-between county, we could actually take a step forward in our relationship. My decisions are made in year-long phases, so if I don't have a job closer to Plans, that means the opportunity to be together is delayed until at least next summer. In itself, the daydreams and resulting disappointment about that situation is enough to sap some of the joy from this job.

Maybe it's because the position I'm teaching right now includes a class that makes me feel like a new teacher all over again. It's a brand new prep in an area that I don't feel my skills are as developed as they should be. I'm worried I won't do well. I'm worried I'll fail the students or they'll try to overpower me when they sense my weakness. The other position that is available at the same school includes two classes I have taught before and both are in an area I feel much better about.

Maybe I'm over-thinking the whole thing. Maybe the universe is telling me that this isn't the right time to move, or maybe it's challenging me (again) to step out of my comfort zone as a teacher. I don't know. Right now I feel like crying. I feel out of control over what happens to me and that makes me so uneasy, I want to pout and be childish and just crawl into my bed and not come out until a job I really want is available. Maybe when I see the kids tomorrow, I'll feel better about the whole thing. That often happens to me.

Tomorrow is another day. Let me take a deep breath and hope it is also a better one.

On waiting...

It comes as a shock to many people who are not part of the teaching profession that those of us who are new (basically anything under 10 years) spend about half of our year waiting, hoping, stressing, and basically putting everything else on hold while we try to figure out if we have a job for the next school year. The wait officially begins on March 14, the Ides of March, when administrators must hand down their decrees and inform teachers whether or not their contracts will be renewed. Theoretically a teacher who has tenure should have nothing much to worry about, but in recent years even that hasn't been a sure thing. Teachers like me know what's coming and, if we've been through it before, don't even pretend to think anything else should be expected.

I have had two full-time contracts in the last 4 years of teaching. Each one had a plainly written beginning and ending date when I was expected to serve my school to the best of my ability and then leave as if nothing had happened. The first year I was shocked and devastated by how coldly and curtly I was dismissed after my year of service. I felt betrayed. The second time I was expecting it. It still hurt, but I was more prepared. It's kind of like being a trained fighter - the first time you're punched in the face, it's shocking; but the second time you brace for the impact and so it doesn't sting quite as badly.

After four years I have developed a thick skin made of justifications for the system. I can be logical and rational and understand that my district and school and principal have to make difficult decisions and that none of it is really personal. I can explain to people outside of the education profession that my job performance, rapport with students, enthusiasm, and know-how are actually not at all related to whether or not I will receive a pink slip. Logically, rationally, I understand all of this. I can take a deep breath, swallow the disappointment, and try to plan my next move.

But therein lies the true problem.

Teachers, as a species, are planners. It's part of the nature of the job. It's part of why we get hired - we're organized, we have contingency plans for when the technology doesn't work, or the copies are eaten by the copy machine 3.5 minutes before class, or when there's a fight at lunch and it's nearly impossible to catch and maintain the attention of 36 fourteen-year-olds during 5th period. We know how to get through. We know how to be flexible and make the lesson happen against all odds. We plan ahead.

Job searching means that there is no plan.

In June, as the school year was wrapping up and many of my colleagues began asking what I would be doing in the fall, I was able to shrug my shoulders and politely but honestly say that I have no earthly idea. I was also able to keep my breath steady and my heart rate normal while saying this because I still had a plan. It was a minor plan, but a plan nonetheless: I had 8 weeks of PSAT Book Camp to look forward to (and the paycheck that goes with it). Until the middle of August, I was set. But the plan goes no further.

It is now the middle of August. I have two days left of teaching for the PSAT program. I have applications out for a variety of positions in three different counties, many of which would require moving. I have applied for part-time, full-time, middle school, high school, weekend SAT prep, online home school, and a few other options I can't even remember. I have sent resumes and tailored letters to principals and directors. I have interviewed. I have waited. I have woken up in the middle of the night and worried, then woke up in the morning and searched for yet more positions. But still, there is no word. I don't know what I'm doing this year. My current job will be done in 2 days and I have no idea where my next paycheck will come from. I am a teacher and I have no idea where or who I will be teaching, if at all.

Since my boyfriend and I have been together going on two years, I often am asked when we plan to move in together, get married, or start a family. I don't know. Without the security of a job, without even a county to settle down in, it's hard to move forward. I finally gave up waiting and bought a car in June but now I see it and think, Oh my God, how am I going to make these payments? Forget an apartment or a husband or a life. How can I move forward with any of it when some of the basics (a place to live, a job to pay the bills) are so unsettled?

There are many stresses that come with being a teacher. I worry about my students, my lesson plans, the grading that piles up on my desk, the opinions of my administrators, and the correspondence with parents. But that's a stress I love. When I leave work at the end of a long, tough day, I know that I've done my best to guide teenagers and help them become the people they will be. That stress means I care about what I do.

The stress from March to September? I could do without it.

Teenagers Say The Darndest Things

Just two new additions to this recurring post, both from one class and about 1 week apart:

Just as I had finally silenced the entire room and gotten everyone working on their state tests, one student asks aloud in (literally) the middle of the room: "What's compassion?" Now, I know you're hearing a sweet, young voice. You're picturing the wide eyes of an innocent youth asking a profound question. Stop it. No, the reality of this was a sometimes-arrogant 15-year-old boy, interrupting EVERYONE around him, and asking me to define a word he didn't understand without even TRYING to figure it out for himself. He asked it less like "What is the meaning of life?" and more like "Ew, why would you eat vegetables when you can have pizza?"

Calmly, I responded that I am not allowed to define words during standardized testing, so he should try to figure it out based on the context. Pause, pause. Same student: "Where's the context?" Me, with lost patience: weeeeeeping

******

On another day in the same class I was making the rounds to check on individual students and make sure they were all on task/ knew how to handle the assignment. One student, a tall, fun-loving and charming baseball player, stops me.

Student: Ms. Cocita, have you noticed that we have the same nose?

Me: (taken aback for a moment, but quickly recovered) No Student, I hadn't, but I guess you're right.

Student: I think you're my mom.

Me: (smirk, pause) Student, I can assure you that I am not your mom.

Student: Are you sure??

Me: Yes, Student, I would've had to have been about 12 to be your mom.

Student: (thoughtful pause...) Nope. I think you're my mom.

Me: Okay. I'm gonna walk away now and pretend this didn't happen, okay?

Student: (joyfully, as if nothing weird at all has happened) Okay. :)

The Global Achievement Gap

On the last day of our Boston trip I had the opportunity to meet with Tony Wagner, author of the education book I mentioned in the “Discrepencies” post. As I said then, I had emailed Mr. Wagner and was surprised to receive a quick response from him. I emailed again when I finished the book and asked if he had any lectures or anything going on that I could attend while in Boston; he suggested lunch.

The book itself outlines the plethora of changes that really must take place in American education. Our current system of disconnected classes, multiple-choice tests, teacher tenure, and memorization-based expectations are part of an assembly-line society that barely exists in this country anymore. We produce students the way we produce cars. It doesn’t and can’t continue to work. Already my students are refusing the model. They know that in the Age of Google, memorization of certain facts, names, and dates is no longer as necessary as it was when people didn’t have access to libraries or encyclopedias. My kids need to learn to think on their feet, ask questions, figure out problems, be self-reliant, be curious, work together – and I need to learn how to teach those skills. Mr. Wagner’s book details each of these issues – what we’re teaching, how we’re testing it, how we teach teachers, how we monitor teachers, how we teach administrators, and the new ways that this generation feels about their old-system education. It is definitely an intriguing read for anyone in an education profession or with student-aged children (especially 10 and up).

The night before the meeting I was nervous. The morning of the meeting I was nervous. I couldn’t quite pin down my anxiety – he is an educator, an author, and someone whose ideas I admire and would like to learn from, but he isn’t scary. Or at least his literary voice isn’t intimidating. I know myself too well. I know that I talk too much. I don’t know how to listen. I get nervous and forget to ask questions, or don’t know which questions to ask, I trip over my words sometimes and feel silly. I have this strange imbalance of confidence and anxiety when it comes to speaking with people I consider my superiors. Tony Wagner is a published author, he taught at Harvard, he worked for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation – he is definitely someone I consider my superior.

But here’s the problem with the way I was raised: I have no idea when I’m supposed to shut up. I believe, because my parents instilled it in me, that my opinions matter. I believe I have a right to express myself. Some people disagree. In the hierarchical society of education, a lot of people disagree. I’m supposed to go to meetings but not say anything. I’m supposed to listen only, even if I have another idea, even if I have a question, even if I have proof that what the other person is saying is completely incorrect. I can’t operate that way. Even when I go into a situation telling myself that I will not, under any circumstances, speak out to anyone, I always do. Maybe it’s my tragic flaw.

So I went to my meeting nervous that I would seen pretentious rather than articulate. Who am I to be questioning this man? What do my questions really matter? Countless teachers have been through what I’ve been through, so who am I to think I could do it differently?

What I forgot is that Tony Wagner, at his roots, is a teacher like me. Teachers are like soldiers in a way – we’ve been through the same battles, we have the same scars, we have the same kinds of victories. We understand each other. There may as well be a secret handshake we do when we meet, because once we sat down to lunch I kind of forgot that I was sitting with this amazing author and educational standard. It felt like catching up with a friend.

Over the course of our lunch I shared some of the ways I’m trying to establish a culture of rigor and thought-provoking assignments in my twelfth grade class. I shared the struggle I’m having to do the same with my ninth grade classes based on class size, lack of student motivation to read, district-imposed curriculum, tests, and writing methods. He shared some things he did as an English teacher and offered a few suggestions. Mostly he commiserated with me.

During coffee, he told me he enjoyed my company and wanted to keep in touch. He suggested that I write a book, or at least pursue writing for a teaching magazine like Education Weekly. He said he was captivated by the way I tell stories. That I am speak simply and directly and articulately. Of course that was the moment I fell over myself trying to figure out a response. How does a person respond to a compliment like that? He asked if I ever wrote. I said of course but that I don’t consider myself a writer. He offered to help me make connections with professors in the Boston University Literature MA program.

Overall I’m still stunned that this lunch even happened. I read a book. I enjoyed it. I’m naïve enough to think an author cares what I thought. I happened to be going to Boston already. (Talk about an opportunity a la The Outliers…)