Eat, Pray, Love: India (Soulmates)

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Liz's friend Richard on soul mates:

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.

This is exactly how I have always thought of soul mates. I believe that people are brought into your life at certain times for specific reasons. There are some people who stay with you because they can constantly continue to teach you things. Soul mates are people who understand you, at the most basic level, completely and immediately.

You may not understand right away why you are drawn to a particular person. People think soul mates are romantic, and how lucky it is when they are, but I think soul mates are people who are connected in a way that is totally unrelated to romantic love. Soul mates are people who challenge us, who see through to the parts of ourselves we don't want to face and make us face them. Soul mates force us to see ourselves. I had a soul mate a few years ago who forced me to see that I was approaching romance in a way that would never yield the results I said I wanted. He was in my life for just 2 months and he ripped me wide open. It was heart-wrenching. But he changed the way I thought about a lot of my own goals and ideals. He served his purpose in my life and then he was gone. I think it happens like this a lot.

Eat, Pray, Love: India (I)

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You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.

After my Dad died, my Mom and I made a conscious effort to "think positively" as much as possible. We were in the middle of the most intense grief either of us had ever experienced (very different types of grief, of course, but still) and we knew that if we didn't deliberately choose positive thoughts over our negative ones, we would each slip into a dangerous depression. It takes a lot of practice to control your own thoughts like that, but I wrote many journal entries trying to focus on the things for which I was thankful instead of the things about my life I wished I could change. For example:

Journal entry from 11/3/2008: "Substituting is not the ideal situation, but I get to go to work every day in a place where I hang out with teenagers and talk about books. For better or worse I am a teacher and this job allows me to keep doing that. I'm lucky to be so sure of my purpose and to have a passion that so readily translates into a career."

After 2 years of practice it has become much easier to think positively. (Plans is even better at it than I am and the reinforcement of being around him and always finding the "bright side" also helps.) Even more than that, it has become harder to be around people who do not try to find the positive in their own lives. The phenomena of Facebook is that people are constantly projecting themselves to the world. I can't help but start to categorize my Facebook contacts into The Complainers and The Thankful. I am drawn to the people who find joy in their lives, especially in small things. I grow weary of people who consistently choose to post status updates that are negative. When I want to whine about something that went wrong in my life that day, I try to get a little perspective and then post the "bright side" instead.

From A Return To Love: "Love in your mind produces love in your life. This is the meaning of heaven. Fear in your mind produces fear in your life. This is the meaning of hell."

The more you repeat negative thoughts, the more powerful they become. The more you concentrate on finding beauty and joy in your environment, the easier they become to spot. I could complain that my boyfriend lives in another state, that I am financially dependent on my parent, that I had to get a second job and I don't have the career I want yet. But instead I am happy that I have people in my life who love me, that I live with my best friend, that I still get to function as a teacher even if it's not in the most ideal way, and that I am healthy and living in a beautiful place. (And when I'm getting away from these thoughts, which happens often enough, I revisit the Vision Board. The vision board is ALL positive. Again, "If you don't have one, get one!")

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There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. There are certain lottery tickets I can buy, thereby increasing my odds of finding contentment. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in life -- whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I'm feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.

Eat, Pray, Love: Italy

I decided to read Eat, Pray, Love for the second time in December because I find it comforting to revisit books I liked. (Right after my Dad died I re-read the 7th Harry Potter because I wanted to be with characters who felt like friends. Coincidentally, I think Eat, Pray, Love might have been the next book I read.) It has been about 2 years since my last trip through Italy, India and Indonesia with Liz and, considering the VERY different personal space I am in, thought I may feel differently about the thoughts and revelations of that book. Here are my notes (I am such a student...):

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Total delight! Liz has been to the gelato place near the Pantheon in Rome that I have literally been raving about for a year and a half!

Il Gelato di San Crispino has some of the most original flavors of gelato I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot of extensive flavor selections between Italy and Spain). Liz even mentioned specially the cinnamon-ginger ice cream I craved (with McDonald's french fries of all things) for at least a year after my Italy trip with my students. I admit now that this is not the most enlightened note I have in the book. Lisa will be the only person who reads this and understands the truly transformative experience of this particular gelato.

(Note the picture is mine of the menu at San Crispino. That's how much I love this place; I took a picture of the MENU!)

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When I don't know what I'm doing, I look like I don't know what I'm doing. When I'm excited or nervous, I look excited or nervous. And when I am lost, which I frequently am, I look lost. My face is a transparent transmitter of my every thought. As David once put it, "You have the opposite of a poker face. You have, like... miniature golf face.

My thought: Oh! Me too! Me too! That's why I can't lie or pretend. It's why my students like me and sometimes my bosses think I'm not respectful enough - I can't hide anything. I can't fake it. I don't know how. I'm just ... me... all the time. For real. And real me thinks everyone should be able to share what they really feel. (I've found that this is not as well-received in the World of Work as I think it should be.) The only thing I would say differently is that when I am lost, which I too frequently am, I look so damn confident about where I am going that not only do I not necessarily look lost, but people with good senses of direction will actually follow me into the complete unknown assuming I know exactly where I am going. When traveling the confidence is good, the lack of direction is awful. The miniature golf face is a bit of a liability when traveling alone, too.

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For me, though, a major obstacle in my pursuit of pleasure was my ingrained sense of Puritan guilt. Do I really deserve this pleasure? This is very American, too - the insecurity about whether we have earned our happiness.

I think one of the reasons I like this book so much is because I identify with Liz in many ways. I'm a good student, a good planner, someone who sits in the first row of class and takes genuine self-worth from whether or not my teachers (bosses, colleagues) like me. I'm good at following the rules and doing what I'm supposed to do. At an early age (I usually say 16, but 12 if I'm being honest) I put my life on a scheduled path of school and hard work and degrees and a job that would make it all worth while. I'm not good at idleness. Too much relaxation makes me feel lazy. My self worth is too closely tied to job performance and productivity. That's why unemployment was so difficult for me in the beginning. For about 4-6 months I suffered a kind of mild depression because without work I felt indulgent, irresponsible and lazy. How could I justify being happy if I wasn't doing my part to contribute to society?

But as I said in my 2009 blog, I realized that being happy itself is a contribution to society. Happiness is a natural right. You don't have to earn it. The size of my paycheck and the number of hours I spent slugging away at a job do not correlate to how much enjoyment I am allowed. This concept, expressed in just a few sentences, has taken about 2 years to really believe and there are still days when it slips my mind completely.

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It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection.

They should make a bumper-sticker out of this one. It's just a great motto to live by. I want to hang it on a wall somewhere.

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You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

My mom and I have discussed this concept at length in the last 2 years. Somehow in our Puritan society self-sacrifice has become the ideal many women strive for. "Look how successful I am! I do everything for my husband and kids and parents and friends and never think of myself at all!" Or, better phrased for my taste, when asked if she ever has needs of her own Jane (in 27 Dresses) says, "No. I'm Jesus."

But this ideal has it all wrong. You can only offer yourself to the people around you if there is something there to offer. Self-care is not a luxury, it's a necessity. If I don't take the me-time to rest, read, breathe, and do whatever I need to do to rejuvenate myself occasionally, what exactly am I offering to the people I love? Finding and experiencing beauty and joy and tranquility as often as possible is not indulgence. Living a life of balance is not something that we should feel guilty for, it is a basic human necessity.

Stay tuned for India...

Plans in Big Bear

A few months ago Joe's friends Ryan and Chantel invited us to join them in the mountains in the winter. Joe was incredibly excited at the prospect of snowboarding and hanging out with friends and I, fan of warm fires and reading that I am, thought this could be an opportunity for a wonderfully cozy and relaxing time.

There was talk for a minute of me even trying snowboarding before my judgement caught up to me. I don't sport! I'm not competitive in that way. And since Joe honestly didn't care whether or not I tried it and was just happy to be away together, why would I chance a sport the most common injury of which happens to be double broken wrists? Umm... I seem to remember going through that lovely condition already once this year.

All snow-geared up for the day! (Ryan P, Jenny, Chantel, Joe, Sarah, Ryan R)

What a gorgeous day! I don't have to be falling down a mountain to appreciate that view...

Me and my Plans :)

Evening activities...

A walk/hike in the mountains on New Year's Day

(I just wish I could figure out a way to post these panoramic photos in their original form but bigger! They're such gorgeous pictures!)

Productivity

One of the ways I have found to satisfy my desire to feel productive in my current state of basic unemployment is jewelry making. I've always been craftsy and this holiday season I was able to make some of the gifts I gave for Christmas instead of buying them. Two birds, one stone; I felt like I was using my time effectively and 4 different people got personalized gifts they can use.

Reanna's turquoise, green & silver necklace.

I was so flipping excited about this set (my first attempt at this style of necklace and the first pair of earring I've made EVER) that I almost didn't want to send it to Reanna at all. It broke my heart to put it in the mail...

Cate's purple, black, charcoal and silver necklace.

Cate's double drop earrings.

Smoky blue and silver for Sissy.

Turquoise glass short necklace and earrings for Alicia.

Teal, green, silver and charcoal.

A coral set for me :)

Plum earrings to go with a necklace Mom made for herself. (I was bored)

2009 Year in Review

If 2008 was a year characterized mostly by big change I did not choose nor want (Dad's death, losing my dream teaching job after just one year), 2009 has been a year of making new choices for changes I want. 2008 was a year of survival until my trip to Argentina for Habitat for Humanity. That trip in many ways gave me the release I needed to start a new life for myself, to decide what I really want in order to be happy. After 11 months of grief and disappointment, it was time to change my perspective.

In December/January, I was convinced that in order to be happy, I had to effectively traumatize myself out of my comfort zone by completely uprooting and moving to a new country. I thought that if I had the courage to move to England, I would come back with the confidence to find the life I really wanted here.

I had a lot of free time during those months (5 sub days in about 10 weeks...) and I used it to read, write, and generally figure out what exactly I envision for myself in the big picture. I read and re-read Eat, Pray, Love; He's Just Not That Into You; A Return to Love. I watched Oprah. I made a vision board. (If you don't have one, get one!) Slowly, I began to change the way I look at my own life, my own choices, my own attitude. I began to break out of the patterns that had kept me lock

ed in my house for nearly a year.

(The vision board includes my goals for my life in the areas of

romance/home, travel, teaching, world citizenship, family, and self.)

The goals for 2009?

1. Be happier with myself as a person.

2. Be more social.

3. Find ways to feel worthwhile and satisfied that are not related to employment.

At first I thought I had to go out and find new friends; a daunting and unpleasant prospect. In the meantime, I wanted to be more consistent about the friends I already had. My credential friends and I started having monthly "Diva Dinners" to catch up. I started a book club without having any idea of how beneficial it would be for me to reconnect with people from high school. How was I to know that having those people in my life again would accomplish my exact goal of "making new friends?" I didn't need *new* friends, I needed people who knew and understood me already. I needed the Divas and the Lady Longhorns.

A year ago, I would've expected to have entirely new friends, a new place to live, a completely new life at this point. Instead, I have old friends, a home filled with love and support and family, and a life I had all along but am so much happier to be living now. The bullet points of my life right now don't seem like much (unemployed 26-year-old who still lives at home and is rapidly running out of savings money to live on...), but in reality I am just so undeniably happy. I live with my best friend. I am friends with my sister and get to spend time with her regularly. I have a boyfriend who makes me feel confident and happy and excited. I have learned to be happy with the accomplishments of every day tasks, rather than feeling like a failure because I don't have the job I want. If this is my starting point, I can only hope that 2010 will be even better.

Wishing everyone the peace and hope and happiness I feel this season.

Find

I recently discovered a website called Swaptree.com where people can trade their books, CDs, and DVDs that they don't want anymore for someone else's that they do. It's awesome and I'm pretty stoked to have a new outlet for the books I read once, years ago, that are now just taking up limited bookshelf space. Now I can send them to a new home where they will be loved and in return I get not the $0.05 I would get from selling such things on Amazon.com, but a book, CD, or DVD I actually want. Awesome. (If you haven't seen this site, get on it. I'm addicted now.)

So I was trolling for books in my closet and I found a book of poetry I haven't looked at for years. I thought, sure, I can trade this for something else. But just as I was putting in the book's info on Swaptree, I noticed a few post-it bookmarks. At the first one I found this poem:

Why Do I Love You?

I love you,

Not only for what you are,

But for what I am

When I am with you.

I love you,

Not only for what

You have made of yourself,

But for what

You are making of me.

I love you

For ignoring the possibilities

Of the fool in me

And for laying firm hold

Of the possibilities for good.

Why do I love you?

I love you

For closing your eyes

To the discords--

And for adding to the music in me

By worshipful listening.

I love you because you

Are helping me to make

Of the lumber of my life

Not a tavern

But a temple;

And out of the words

Of my every day

Not a reproach

But a song.

I love you

Because you have done

More than any creed

To make me happy.

You have done it

Without a word,

Without a touch,

Without a sign.

You have done it

Just by being yourself.

After all

Perhaps that is what

Love means.

--Roy Croft.

Well, then. Maybe I won't get rid of this book just yet.

Road Trip: AZ

The week before Thanksgiving Joe and I had a first: our first road trip together for more than one night. We were warned that the stress of moving, of being a car for so long, and of being together literally 24/7 would cause us to argue and get on each other's nerves. Thankfully, that was not the case at all. As with most things involving Joe and I, the 6 days we spent in AZ were easy, fun, and pleasant. Here's a snapshot:

Friday - Sunday: Drive the UHaul from San Diego to Tempe and move Joe into his new apartment. The community is awesome and the location is convenient to everything he could possibly need. A moving truck isn't my favorite form of transportation, but it could've been a lot worse. We were happy everything fell into place as easily as it did.

Sunday-Monday: Travel to Tucson to spend a few days with Reanna, Jon and brand-new baby Charlotte ("The Bell Pepper"). Spend some time getting to know my newest niece. (The report to mom was something like, "She sleeps and cries. That's about all so far. I'll let you know if there's anything out of the ordinary.") Reanna and I go see New Moon, leave the boys home to watch hockey and Charlotte.

Tuesday: Reanna's birthday. A double date to The Melting Pot for one of the best meals I've had domestically in my life. This is the first double date I've had with my best friend in about 5 years and by far the easiest and most fun ever. All good things. Home to drink and play games. At least one of us is sober enough to feed the Bell Pepper in the middle of the night, but I'm not sure which one.

Wednesday: Joe and I return to Tempe to spend one more night setting up his apartment before he officially moves here full time for school. In the morning we head to the airport and back to San Diego to spend Thanksgiving with our families. We are thankful for each other and all the time we got together, for time spent with friends, and for a road trip with no drama. :)