2009 Year in Review

If 2008 was a year characterized mostly by big change I did not choose nor want (Dad's death, losing my dream teaching job after just one year), 2009 has been a year of making new choices for changes I want. 2008 was a year of survival until my trip to Argentina for Habitat for Humanity. That trip in many ways gave me the release I needed to start a new life for myself, to decide what I really want in order to be happy. After 11 months of grief and disappointment, it was time to change my perspective.

In December/January, I was convinced that in order to be happy, I had to effectively traumatize myself out of my comfort zone by completely uprooting and moving to a new country. I thought that if I had the courage to move to England, I would come back with the confidence to find the life I really wanted here.

I had a lot of free time during those months (5 sub days in about 10 weeks...) and I used it to read, write, and generally figure out what exactly I envision for myself in the big picture. I read and re-read Eat, Pray, Love; He's Just Not That Into You; A Return to Love. I watched Oprah. I made a vision board. (If you don't have one, get one!) Slowly, I began to change the way I look at my own life, my own choices, my own attitude. I began to break out of the patterns that had kept me lock

ed in my house for nearly a year.

(The vision board includes my goals for my life in the areas of

romance/home, travel, teaching, world citizenship, family, and self.)

The goals for 2009?

1. Be happier with myself as a person.

2. Be more social.

3. Find ways to feel worthwhile and satisfied that are not related to employment.

At first I thought I had to go out and find new friends; a daunting and unpleasant prospect. In the meantime, I wanted to be more consistent about the friends I already had. My credential friends and I started having monthly "Diva Dinners" to catch up. I started a book club without having any idea of how beneficial it would be for me to reconnect with people from high school. How was I to know that having those people in my life again would accomplish my exact goal of "making new friends?" I didn't need *new* friends, I needed people who knew and understood me already. I needed the Divas and the Lady Longhorns.

A year ago, I would've expected to have entirely new friends, a new place to live, a completely new life at this point. Instead, I have old friends, a home filled with love and support and family, and a life I had all along but am so much happier to be living now. The bullet points of my life right now don't seem like much (unemployed 26-year-old who still lives at home and is rapidly running out of savings money to live on...), but in reality I am just so undeniably happy. I live with my best friend. I am friends with my sister and get to spend time with her regularly. I have a boyfriend who makes me feel confident and happy and excited. I have learned to be happy with the accomplishments of every day tasks, rather than feeling like a failure because I don't have the job I want. If this is my starting point, I can only hope that 2010 will be even better.

Wishing everyone the peace and hope and happiness I feel this season.

Find

I recently discovered a website called Swaptree.com where people can trade their books, CDs, and DVDs that they don't want anymore for someone else's that they do. It's awesome and I'm pretty stoked to have a new outlet for the books I read once, years ago, that are now just taking up limited bookshelf space. Now I can send them to a new home where they will be loved and in return I get not the $0.05 I would get from selling such things on Amazon.com, but a book, CD, or DVD I actually want. Awesome. (If you haven't seen this site, get on it. I'm addicted now.)

So I was trolling for books in my closet and I found a book of poetry I haven't looked at for years. I thought, sure, I can trade this for something else. But just as I was putting in the book's info on Swaptree, I noticed a few post-it bookmarks. At the first one I found this poem:

Why Do I Love You?

I love you,

Not only for what you are,

But for what I am

When I am with you.

I love you,

Not only for what

You have made of yourself,

But for what

You are making of me.

I love you

For ignoring the possibilities

Of the fool in me

And for laying firm hold

Of the possibilities for good.

Why do I love you?

I love you

For closing your eyes

To the discords--

And for adding to the music in me

By worshipful listening.

I love you because you

Are helping me to make

Of the lumber of my life

Not a tavern

But a temple;

And out of the words

Of my every day

Not a reproach

But a song.

I love you

Because you have done

More than any creed

To make me happy.

You have done it

Without a word,

Without a touch,

Without a sign.

You have done it

Just by being yourself.

After all

Perhaps that is what

Love means.

--Roy Croft.

Well, then. Maybe I won't get rid of this book just yet.

Road Trip: AZ

The week before Thanksgiving Joe and I had a first: our first road trip together for more than one night. We were warned that the stress of moving, of being a car for so long, and of being together literally 24/7 would cause us to argue and get on each other's nerves. Thankfully, that was not the case at all. As with most things involving Joe and I, the 6 days we spent in AZ were easy, fun, and pleasant. Here's a snapshot:

Friday - Sunday: Drive the UHaul from San Diego to Tempe and move Joe into his new apartment. The community is awesome and the location is convenient to everything he could possibly need. A moving truck isn't my favorite form of transportation, but it could've been a lot worse. We were happy everything fell into place as easily as it did.

Sunday-Monday: Travel to Tucson to spend a few days with Reanna, Jon and brand-new baby Charlotte ("The Bell Pepper"). Spend some time getting to know my newest niece. (The report to mom was something like, "She sleeps and cries. That's about all so far. I'll let you know if there's anything out of the ordinary.") Reanna and I go see New Moon, leave the boys home to watch hockey and Charlotte.

Tuesday: Reanna's birthday. A double date to The Melting Pot for one of the best meals I've had domestically in my life. This is the first double date I've had with my best friend in about 5 years and by far the easiest and most fun ever. All good things. Home to drink and play games. At least one of us is sober enough to feed the Bell Pepper in the middle of the night, but I'm not sure which one.

Wednesday: Joe and I return to Tempe to spend one more night setting up his apartment before he officially moves here full time for school. In the morning we head to the airport and back to San Diego to spend Thanksgiving with our families. We are thankful for each other and all the time we got together, for time spent with friends, and for a road trip with no drama. :)

An Orchard in the Desert?

In October Mom, Eva and I headed to Tucson to visit Reanna and Jon and check out their new home in Arizona. (The first pic is their backyard view; the second is the front of the house with Eva sitting neatly on the curb.) It was supposed to be the weekend of Reanna's baby shower but instead we got her all to ourselves and got to check out the sites nearby. Because we had the toddler, Jon and Reanna suggested a pumpkin patch and apple orchard where we could pick our own produce. What a great way to entertain a 3 year old!

No, Reanna is not hiding a pumpkin under her shirt.

There were all kinds of cool things for Eva to investigate. She wasn't quite as impressed by the sunflowers over her head as I thought she should be, though.

When we got to the orchard Eva immediately recognized that she was surrounded by food and did not understand why we wouldn't let her eat the apples she found on the ground. Try explaining that one to a 3 year old! It's food, she knows it's food, why can't she eat it??

Photoshoot: Version 2.0

I did two photoshoots with my photographer friend Mirelle over the summer. The first was with two other "models" and produced photos that were fierce, sexy, feisty, and looked nothing like how I see myself at all. We decided to do a second, more relaxed shoot at home in August. These are the results. Personally, I think I look a lot more like myself, but I've gotten conflicting reports from some of the people who know me best. Maybe those people are just used to ponytails and pajama pants...

Relief

With the struggles of working in middle school have come a prayer to the universe: "Okay, Universe, I know I'm supposed to learn something from this experience. I know that I need to change my own perspective so that I can find peace. So, dammit, help me find some peace here in a job I don't really enjoy..."

On Thursday, the Universe gave me my answer. The solution to the frustration and disappointment and exhaustion of working in a capacity that made me feel inadequate and unhappy? Don't work there anymore.

Huh, that was simple.

During 4th period prep on Thursday, the one administrator at the school with whom I have no relationship walked in and told me that my last day would be Friday. At first I was shocked and devastated. I've grown attached to many of the students. I've been working really hard to turn around the ones I find difficult and defiant. I've tried to adjust from a high school mentality to a middle school one. His only response to my sobbing questions was that, they'd "decided to go in a different direction" and were "looking for a different fit."

I called Plans, crying (sobbing really), and was met with the baffled but true statement: "But you hate this job." So why was I so upset?

I was hurt. I felt like I must've done something wrong or not done enough somethings right. I felt like this must reflect on my ability as a teacher. I felt like a failure.

But then my afternoon class came in. And they were difficult and unruly, as always. And I started to think, "wow, after tomorrow I don't have to deal with them any more." And my body felt a little lighter. Many months ago I blogged about starting another long-term sub position and the nervousness I felt before I walked into the classroom. Nervousness that immediately gave way to confidence as soon as the students walked in and I realized that I am meant to be a high school teacher. I never got that feeling in this job as an 8th grade teacher. I never felt like I was getting a handle on things. I never felt like it got easier or I got any better at it. I left school every day feelings overwhelmed and exhausted.

Last winter I picked up A Return to Love, a book that sounds like a relationship self-help manual but is really a book that has helped me gain perspective and balance in all part of my life. I read the sections on understanding the self, on choosing love (positivity) instead of fear in life, on fate and on relationships. Every time I read, I felt I was having an epiphany, an awakening, a revelation. But I stopped before the section on work. This experience inspired me to start reading again and this was the first thing I read:

"Success means we go to sleep at night knowing that our talents and abilities were used in a way that served others. We're compensated by ... the magnificent feeling that we did our bit today to save the world... The key to a successful career is realizing that it's not separate from the rest of your life, but is rather an extension of your most basic self."

Exactly! There was only one day during the 6 weeks I spent in this position that I felt successful. (It was the 8th grade field trip and we had left the students with disciplinary issues at home.) Other than that, I knew from the get-go that the career that is an extension of my basic self is teaching high school English. I feel myself in that capacity. I feel excited and invigorated and powerful and magnificent. I feel that I can save the world.

So, after only a day or two of thinking about it, I am relieved to be looking for work again. I am ready to feel successful in a job that is a perfect fit for me.

Plans

Halloween

Happiness

Balance

As I mentioned in the last post, I've been spending some time teaching middle school. The position is covering a teacher who is out on medical leave and could potentially go on for several months beyond the original October-November dates I was given. This is both good and scary. I find the management issues of middle school exhausting with very little of the reward I get from teaching high school. I'm trying - really, I am - to find the positive side of 8th grade so that I don't let this job suck all the energy, positivity, and joy out of me. Most days I just feel drained and defeated by 3:30 and on a couple of occasions I have had to actively stop myself from crying as soon as the kids left. I am meant to be a teacher. I know that. But middle school teachers are saints and I am definitely not a saint. The goal over the next week is to find balance, to adjust my perspective on the situation so that I can gain whatever professional and personal lessons the universe intends for me in this position. The job has been extended beyond the original 7 weeks - that must mean I haven't learned the lessons I was meant to yet. Okay, Universe, bring it on. I'm ready.

Teaching in general is good, though. I'm teaching Language Arts and History, a first for me. I never knew so much about early American history in my life. It's kind of fun since it's a subject I actually enjoy but never have explored with students before. I'm also getting a more in-depth background of teaching grammar than I've had before. Plus the bright side of teaching middle school? No one ever mistakes me for a student on campus. And the lesson planning is straight forward. And I get to go on a field trip next week. And it's a consistent paycheck. Bright side. Bright side. Bright side.

Everything else in my life seems to be in place and splendid and wonderful. Family is great. I feel healthy. I have great friends and I get to see them regularly. (Or at least some of them.)

And Plans. I have Plans. And Plans makes me feel so calm and positive and optimistic and happy that I can't even explain it. Plans is easy and makes me feel like everything that frustrates me or confuses me or worries me will just work out because that's the way it should be. Plans makes me excited for the future. Plans makes me feel hopeful. I always thought, when I was out there in the world trying to make it happen and trying to force something where there was nothing, that it really shouldn't be so hard. I knew, intuitively deep down, that it was supposed to feel easy (at least at the beginning). And it is. Plans proves that for me. It's just easy. And it has been easy since the beginning. It just works. That's the way it's supposed to be. What else could I ask for?

Time Change

I've been teaching 8th grade social studies for the past 6 weeks and have realized more than ever before that 13 year-olds have absolutely ZERO sense of time. (Or consequence. But that's another story.) Common questions I've gotten while teaching about the American Revolution:

Me: So you see, these rules in the colony of Massachusetts are still laws in the state of Massachusetts.

Student: Wait! So you mean things that happened, like, a million years ago are still affect us now?!?!?!?!

Me: ::blank stare::... Well... yes, but... this was only, like, 250 years ago.

Student: Isn't that the same thing??

Me: George Washington was only about 30 years old when he took control of the Continental Army -

Student: 30? Isn't that, like, really really old??

Me: ::blank stare:: Nooo.....

Me: So the Americans and British couldn't have battles during the winter because their gunpowder would get wet and so the guns wouldn't fire.

Student: Couldn't they just use bombs?

Other Student: Or missiles?

Yet Another Student: Or tanks?

Me: They didn't have any of those things.

Student: Why? Were they poor?

Me: No, they hadn't been invented yet.

Student: Well, if I were there I would've invented bombs.

Me: ::blank stare::

WOW.

Sailors

At Nordstrom's Rack over the weekend...

Mom: Sarah, come here. Aren't these pants cute?

Me: Yeah, way cute. But I already have sailor pants and a person really only needs one pair.

Mom: That's true. (pause) Unless you're a sailor.

Me: ... (why didn't I think of that?)

Daunting

New day, new struggle. I have now told far too many people that I have started work on a novel. (If I hadn't already told you, well, I guess now you know...) But getting back into the saddle of writing isn't quite as easy as I'd expected. You know that saying "it's like riding a bicycle..."? Well it turns out that does not apply to everything. I sit in front of my computer screen or with my journal and a pen and sometimes the words come out no problem. But other times... It's like picking my French Horn up after not playing for 7 years - both entirely familiar and entirely foreign.

I have overwhelmed myself now. I find the whole process daunting, to be honest, because I want so badly to do it well.

Problems I am faced with on the particular project I have chosen? There are several.

I have envisioned a sort of Sex in the City set in San Diego with 5 female characters based on the most consistent members of my book club. This puts my potential novel squarely in the "Chick Lit" category - a genre that is stereotypically formulaic and unrealistic. I can accept that to an extent, but since my characters are based on real people that I really care about I do not want to turn any of them into caricatures. However, the characters are still fiction and need to be separated from their real-life counterparts. But how much should be fiction, how much non-fiction?

Problem #1: How do I give the characters recognizable features of a real person without attributing every neurosis of that person to fiction?

Problem #2: Defining the scope and goals of the novel as a whole. Even in flitty, awful chick lit there are always a few key issues that are neatly wrapped up by the end. Right now I have a series of personality traits and singular events, but I'm still brainstorming the ways to pull those things together into one cohesive narrative. You can't sell a novel that is just a collection of random experiences between girlfriends, even if the dialog IS witty and insightful.

Problem #3: Defining each character's individual "voice" so that we don't overlap. So often in this type of novel the way that authors get around this problem is by categorizing their characters into predetermined archetypes - the bitch, the disapproving one, the pretty boy, the gay best friend, the slutty/flirtatious coworker. I really don't want my characters to be so superficial that someone could write a facebook quiz about them like they do about Sex in the City: "OMG! I'm such a Carrie!"

So I'm following the most common recommendation I've gotten so far: Read. Read everything in the genre. Readreadread. And now suddenly everything I would do normally has become "research." The characters go to the gym and the movies and out to clubs and bars and get hit on by ridiculous men and sexy men and nervous men. The characters make great decisions concerning their careers and stupid decisions concerning relationships. Or vice versa. They talk to each other - a lot. (Be on alert, oh girlfriends mine, my ears are perked up for good dialog.)

And now, sigh, I must return to either writing or reading and stop using my blog as an avoidance tool.

Summer = Unorganized Thoughts

Went to see Julie & Julia over the weekend, the movie about Julia Child and a fan who spent a year cooking all 500+ recipes in her cookbook over the course of one year and then wrote a blog about it. Best line from the movie: "I could write a blog. I have thoughts."

Also saw (500) Days of Summer twice in the past week. Completely head-over-heels in love with the movie. So real and sad and hopeful at the same time. I connected. I want Tom as my new boyfriend. And I wish I had the courage to do karaoke.

So far (no surprise) there are no prospects for teaching jobs this year. I'm not sure if the reason the England thing hasn't happened is because I have a weak resume or because the economic situation across the pond is just as difficult as it is here, maybe worse (I prefer to assume the latter option), but either way I'm not really disappointed. Moving is a big deal for me. I'm not going to pick up my whole life and leave my entire support system for just any job - it has to be a unique opportunity to grow.

I continue looking for teaching work close to home but the prospects are bleak. In the meantime I needed something to keep my head going so that I don't completely lose it, so I've started writing again. It's been interesting getting back into it after so long. It feels like reconnecting with a lost friend. I know how to do this - write a novel? I've done it before. But at the same time it feels entirely new and scary. I'm a different writer now because I'm a different person now. The expectations - both mine and others' - are different, higher somehow. When you write as a teenager, nobody really takes it seriously so if it's awful, that's okay. But I'm supposed to know what I'm doing now. Even though I majored in Literature, not writing, and even though I teach high schoolers how to read books, not write them.

Did a single build day with Habitat San Diego this week. It was nice to be on a build site again, nice to feel like I'm doing something helpful and productive, nice to have completely sore muscles for the next two days. But it wasn't the same. I have to do another global village trip. Soon.

Juliet

I was telling this story the other day and thought it would make a funny entry...

Last year when my 9th graders were reading Romeo and Juliet I had a student ask a rather peculiar question. We had read the scene including Romeo & Juliet's wedding during class the previous day and then watched a clip of the 1996 film with Leo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. My student, a 14-year-old girl, asked out of the blue, "Did they have condoms in Romeo and Juliet's time?"

Me: Excuse me?

Student: Did they have condoms back then?

Me: No, I don't think they did.

Student: So Juliet's pregnant.

Me: Excuse me?

Student: She's pregnant.

Me: Why do you say that?

Student: Well they had sex.

Me: Well it is not stated directly in the play, but they got married, yes, so we can assume...

Student: So she's pregnant.

It may be important to mention that I knew at the time that this particular student's mother had just had a large 30th birthday celebration (yes - do the math), so I wasn't exactly keen on telling her that people don't necessarily get pregnant every time they have sex, but what was I supposed to do? I definitely considered lying and saying that yes, Juliet was absolutely preggo and that just proves how important contraception is, but I think I settled on something along the lines of, "You should really discuss that with your health teacher when you see him tomorrow and we'll never really know about Juliet because she dies before anyone even knows she's married!"

Teenagers makes the strangest leaps of understanding...

Photoshoot

So my friend Mirelle is working on her professional photography portfolio. Cate and I are doing a photoshoot (along with another of Mirelle's friends) on Sunday so that she can practice. If all goes according to plan, afterwards I'll have pics of me looking as amazing as the following "inspiration" pieces. Wish us luck!

Theme Song for the Mood I'm In

Honestly not directed at anyone in particular. But still, the sentiment is right on. (On playlist at the bottom of this page!!)

"Nicest Thing" by Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.
And I wish that we could see if we could be something.
Yea I wish that we could see if we could be something.

Hawaii!!!

About the middle of June I got a text message from Cate (my newly reunited bestie from grades 7-12) asking if I wanted to go on a trip. She had 2 weeks of vacation to kill and I'm a (out-of-work) teacher. Always up for a chance to get away from home, I said sure. It took us about 14 days to book something, and about 10 days after that we were on a plane to Oahu. I literally have never spent less time preparing for a trip!

My requirements for this trip were:

#1. Spend most of our time relaxing (not sight-seeing or in museums/cathedrals)

#2. Lots of drinks with little umbrellas in them (substitute pineapple slices and we're good...)

#3. Fitness Center (a 4-hour roundtrip hike up a crater works, too)

#4. Beautiful scenery.

#5. Fun! Let's just be young and single and have fun!

It was awesome! We got up every morning, put on bathing suits and walked straight out of our hotel onto the beach. We lounged there until we couldn't stand the heat any longer, then moved to the cooler lounge chairs by the hotel pool. We went out to dinner, walked around, did whatever we felt like doing. We could go out dancing until 4 am or go back to the hotel at 11. It was fun and relaxing and everything I wanted to a random trip to Hawaii.

Eva is 3!

This is a bit late but still worth recognizing. For Eva's 3rd birthday (May 29) Sissy planned a party at Chuck E Cheese. I tried my hardest to convince her that we could put off starting this phase of our lives for one more year, but Eva likes it and that's what matters. Her favorite phrase of the day? "Come on now!" At which point mom or I or Sissy or whoever had to follow as Eva ran to whatever struck her fancy at that moment.

Happy 26!!

Yesterday was my 26th birthday. It's a bit surreal that I am now officially closer to 30 than to 20, but I'm trying to focus instead on my awesome friends and family and how great this past year has been for me as a person. To celebrate I had my first major birthday event since I turned 18. Here's a little sampler of what went down:

Colette & Ryan - one of my favorite couples ever!

me & Alicia

me & the trainer, Kirk - yes, the one who broke my wrists

Erin & Derrick

Road Trippin'

Way back in December Mom and I decided that we'd like to make a real vacation out of visiting family in Folsom and the Bay Area. Normally we do this trip in record time, only staying in town long enough to attend some family event - a birthday, baby shower, graduation, etc. The whole thing usually lasts about 48 hours. This time we wanted the freedom (and time) to visit all the people and do all the things that aren't always possible when we're depending on someone else's car. A road trip was the answer. Here is the result:

Thursday night - Saturday morning

Time with the Claneys and Allbaughs.

I usually see my cousins Anita and Laura about once every 5 years. I probably see their children even less. But back in December (during one of our regular under-48-hour trips up and back), Mom and I stayed at Anita's house and were thrilled to find that we'd actually made NEW friends within our own family. We had such a great time that we specifically planned our road trip to accommodate 2 nights with these 2 families.

Saturday

Years ago when my dad was doing work in the Bay Area he found Walnut Creek and a fantastic restaurant called Va de Vi. He introduced my mom, then me, then several of our friends and family members. Even though our family lives within a reasonable dista

nce (40 mins), they don't usually want to make the trek out just for dinner. Mom and I tend to disagree. Food as entertainment is a staple in my upbringing and a good restaurant is always worth a little travel. Mom and I left Folsom on Saturday and headed for Walnut Creek specifically to eat dinner at Va de Vi. The problem: it was 105 degrees out and we had several hours to kill before dinner time. The solution: a movie theatre!

SO WORTH IT!

Sunday morning

Brunch with friends from Habitat

Kate and Alisa live just one city over from my aunts and uncles but I've made 2 trips up to the area since our Habitat trip to Argentina and had yet to visit them because I never had a car to get away. Our visit was short but it was so nice to catch up with people from such a positive time in my life.

Sunday afternoon

Meet the Babies Party

One of the main reasons we didn't take this trip earlier in the spring was because we wanted to wait for the arrival of not one, but two new additions to our clan. My cousin Michael and his wife Kris welcomed their first child in April and my cousin Joanna and her husband Brandon had their second in May. It was essential for us to meet the new babies and in honor of our visit my aunt and uncle planned a special Meet the Babies party for everyone to follow our lead.

Hayden Robert (or HayBob, much to his mother's chagrin) - born April 11

Kevin Thomas (who big sister Megan calls "Baby Kevin"

in her little chipmunk voice - so cute!) - born May 8

Monday

Michelle in San Francisco

Michelle and I have been friends for nearly 10 years now, but I haven't so much as talked to her on the phone in more than 3. She just moved up to Oakland and started working in the city in December, so a visit was absolutely a must. Unfortunately I was stupid and forgot to get a picture. Next time!