On Thursday, the Universe gave me my answer. The solution to the frustration and disappointment and exhaustion of working in a capacity that made me feel inadequate and unhappy? Don't work there anymore.
Huh, that was simple.
During 4th period prep on Thursday, the one administrator at the school with whom I have no relationship walked in and told me that my last day would be Friday. At first I was shocked and devastated. I've grown attached to many of the students. I've been working really hard to turn around the ones I find difficult and defiant. I've tried to adjust from a high school mentality to a middle school one. His only response to my sobbing questions was that, they'd "decided to go in a different direction" and were "looking for a different fit."
I called Plans, crying (sobbing really), and was met with the baffled but true statement: "But you hate this job." So why was I so upset?
I was hurt. I felt like I must've done something wrong or not done enough somethings right. I felt like this must reflect on my ability as a teacher. I felt like a failure.
But then my afternoon class came in. And they were difficult and unruly, as always. And I started to think, "wow, after tomorrow I don't have to deal with them any more." And my body felt a little lighter. Many months ago I blogged about starting another long-term sub position and the nervousness I felt before I walked into the classroom. Nervousness that immediately gave way to confidence as soon as the students walked in and I realized that I am meant to be a high school teacher. I never got that feeling in this job as an 8th grade teacher. I never felt like I was getting a handle on things. I never felt like it got easier or I got any better at it. I left school every day feelings overwhelmed and exhausted.
Last winter I picked up A Return to Love, a book that sounds like a relationship self-help manual but is really a book that has helped me gain perspective and balance in all part of my life. I read the sections on understanding the self, on choosing love (positivity) instead of fear in life, on fate and on relationships. Every time I read, I felt I was having an epiphany, an awakening, a revelation. But I stopped before the section on work. This experience inspired me to start reading again and this was the first thing I read:
"Success means we go to sleep at night knowing that our talents and abilities were used in a way that served others. We're compensated by ... the magnificent feeling that we did our bit today to save the world... The key to a successful career is realizing that it's not separate from the rest of your life, but is rather an extension of your most basic self."
Exactly! There was only one day during the 6 weeks I spent in this position that I felt successful. (It was the 8th grade field trip and we had left the students with disciplinary issues at home.) Other than that, I knew from the get-go that the career that is an extension of my basic self is teaching high school English. I feel myself in that capacity. I feel excited and invigorated and powerful and magnificent. I feel that I can save the world.
So, after only a day or two of thinking about it, I am relieved to be looking for work again. I am ready to feel successful in a job that is a perfect fit for me.
