Plan B

Okay, so the teaching position thing hasn't worked out for this year. Now what?

One thing I know about myself fairly well at this point is that I do not stagnate well. I tend to freak out in the middle of the night and make really big decisions without totally thinking them through. I applied for my study abroad in Spain this way. I applied for my Habitat for Humanity trip to Argentina that way. I applied to teach in England this way. (Notice a pattern?)

And so, the evolution of my fall has gone something like this:

- mid August: finish Elite

- one week of panic

- two weeks of work in a job I didn't get

- One or two days of panic and sad faces

- Sign up for the GRE and decide to apply to graduate school. In Boston. Or Chicago. Or London!

And so goes the story of my life. My primary focus is, and has always been, on setting up a relatively safe, small life. I want to find a teaching job at a suburban high school and stay there long enough to see my own students return as teachers. If and when I tire of the adolescent environment, I want to get a PhD and teach English at the university level. I want to have children and give them the opportunity to have childhoods similar to my own: K-12 in the same schools, with the same friends and a stable home life.

The problem is that my simple, safe, conservative life plan keeps getting thrown off course. And when it does I feel like I need to do something decidedly different, exciting, adventurous, and even risky. Like move across the country. Or to a different country.

I've been researching options for about a month now and the schools I've settled on range from the very safe (UCI summer program - wouldn't have to move or give up working) to the very adventurous (London for a whole year). So now, I work on applications and writing sample and dream of the options (3 summer sessions in NY at Columbia University! Taking weekend trips with Joe from London! Moving to OC and actually just having the boring life I wanted in the first place!)

There's a lot to consider, of course. Money and time and delays to other plans (marriage, kids). But there's also the consideration that if I don't do something adventurous now, while these options are here in front of me, I'll probably never do it. There's so much of the world I want to see and so many things I'd like to experience before I have kids. And if I have an opportunity to do it now, with Joe and while I'm still pursuing one of my other goals anyway, shouldn't I go for it? Even with costs and time considered, I doubt we'll look back in 25 years and think, "Wow, I wish we had had a baby a year earlier instead of going to (insert name of interesting city here) for a year..."

The thing is, grad school is still Plan B. While these daydreams completely exhilarate me and I feel adventurous just imagining them, if I were offered a full-time teaching position I would take it in a heart beat. Teaching is Plan A. My adventurousness is, as always, contingent on feeling like the safe option just isn't available to me at the moment.

Let's do this again...

One more time.

Dear Universe,

It's not that I'm either devastated or shocked that I was not hired for the position I fulfilled these last few weeks. I was brought on as a substitute and was not entirely qualified for all parts of the position. I knew and accepted those conditions. It's not that I won't get over the sudden ache I feel because I had already started to fall for this batch of students, particularly the seniors, and already feel a tug when I think that I won't have a chance to say goodbye to them or see them develop this year. The position itself wasn't perfect or ideal.

I understand all of that.

I understand, too, that there is something better out there for me. Every inspirational quotation, encouragement card, and facebook response I've read has reminded me that you, Universe, must have a plan for me that I am unaware of. But I'm supposed to trust it. And Universe, I am really trying here.

I've applied and applied. I've waited and waited and waited. I've spent hours in the middle of countless nights panicking over the sizable dent my new car made in my savings account. I've woken up in a state of utter panic, wondering if I was wrong to turn down interviews for jobs that were not right for me. Jobs in cities I don't want to live in, teaching grade levels or in environments I am uncomfortable with. Maybe I was being arrogant or pretentious. Maybe this is what I get for thinking I was secure enough to pass up any opportunity for work. I don't know.

But you and me, Universe, we're supposed to be on the same side. I've had the same vision for my life since I was a very small child and I've worked toward making it a reality since I was about 11. I made choices based on these long term goals. Given, I no longer imagine wearing a pink tulle wedding gown, but much of the other stuff has kept. I've put in the time and work and sweat and tears and I'm waiting now, waiting for you to help me out. What's it going to take?