First Day Eve

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new school year at a new school and I am feeling... anxious. I do not have a contract for this position and, like last year, was asked to begin the year as a substitute while the administration figures out interviews and HR stuff. Of course, I'm happy to help. (It's funny to me how appreciative some people act because I was "willing to help out." What choice do I really have? I don't have a job and I've applied for this one. Even if they're not going to hire me and they're just using me for cheap labor, I have a car payment and rent and a credit card bill - how could I realistically say "no" to "helping out"???)

There are two positions available at this particular school and I could be assigned to either of them or neither of them by Friday afternoon. As I mentioned in my previous post, teachers are planners by nature so it's unsettling for me to start a year this way. I've written a syllabus and made seating charts. I've ordered and collected books from the library and put them away in the classroom. I've planned lessons for the first days. But I don't know if I'm staying, so I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to do beyond that. I don't want to get too attached in case I don't get the position because I'm already vulnerable right now. I don't know if I can handle that kind of effort leading to another disappointment. I don't want to clean the room completely because if I get the other of the two positions, I'll be moving rooms, changing preps, and meeting entirely different kids in a week. Everything is just so up in the air.

Overall I'm just not as excited about the first day of school as I wish I were. I love teaching. I love the beginning of a new year when everyone is fresh and excited and has high hopes and expectations for the coming 9 months. Right now that feeling of joy is eluding me.

Maybe it's because for the third time in four years, my previous school overlooked my service and effort and enthusiasm and chose to hire someone with less experience who, for whatever reason, they liked better.

Maybe it's because I spent the last four months applying for positions that would allow Plans and I to live in the same city for the first time in the two years we've been together. We are currently living 2 hours apart and only seeing each other on weekends. I had hoped that if I could secure a contract in the in-between county, we could actually take a step forward in our relationship. My decisions are made in year-long phases, so if I don't have a job closer to Plans, that means the opportunity to be together is delayed until at least next summer. In itself, the daydreams and resulting disappointment about that situation is enough to sap some of the joy from this job.

Maybe it's because the position I'm teaching right now includes a class that makes me feel like a new teacher all over again. It's a brand new prep in an area that I don't feel my skills are as developed as they should be. I'm worried I won't do well. I'm worried I'll fail the students or they'll try to overpower me when they sense my weakness. The other position that is available at the same school includes two classes I have taught before and both are in an area I feel much better about.

Maybe I'm over-thinking the whole thing. Maybe the universe is telling me that this isn't the right time to move, or maybe it's challenging me (again) to step out of my comfort zone as a teacher. I don't know. Right now I feel like crying. I feel out of control over what happens to me and that makes me so uneasy, I want to pout and be childish and just crawl into my bed and not come out until a job I really want is available. Maybe when I see the kids tomorrow, I'll feel better about the whole thing. That often happens to me.

Tomorrow is another day. Let me take a deep breath and hope it is also a better one.